I am choosing to keep everything annonymous for the privacy of my family, and to prevent any trouble from them so i am able to speak freely without worry. I came into this world with my parents praying so hard that this time, after 3 boys, God would bless them with a baby girl. Their wish finally came true when I came out with a flower instead of a sausage. My father was so thrilled and proud to have such a beautiful little girl. The family was set with 3 boys and a girl.
Growing up as the only girl in the family with 3 older brothers was not exactly easy. As usual, the baby girl always gets picked on, brother and sister arguements, right? Thats how most people would see it, but in my personal opinion it was a little more than that. Many things from my past my heart has forgiven, but my mind will never forget.
As a small child (between the age of 6-8) my mother and father divorced. This is the point in time where everything fell apart. My mothers job was very demanding, and the majority of the time she was not home. I would get off the bus with my brothers, and do everything I could to clean up after them and the dog that we had at the time. If Mom would get home from work around 6 p.m. she would get very ill and upset with me. So, I would get off the bus, clean up all of the dogs poop and pee in the house, sweep floors, get the dishes cleaned, and all of my brothers trash from where they would just sit and play an xbox with no interest in helping me. Instead, they would get irritated with me interupting their game time and call me names that for some reason has stuck with me still to this day. Fatso was probably the worst for me. Some of the beatings I got where just simply because I was what they considered “fat”. I always stick with “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. I tried telling that lie to myself my whole life, but I can still feel some words to this day. That is one of many things that have never left my mind. Sweeping up the livingroom floor “interrupting” my brothers xbox game led to me running and locking myself in the bathroom afraid of what their horrible words and threats would turn into. Then, proceed to brake through the door and all 3 of them hitting me while I duck myself in the corner of that bathroom. I finally got myself free of them and ran out of the house, where i was then locked out of the house from 3:00p.m until 6:30 in the middle of the august heat waiting for my mother to come home to let me inside. The house was a mess, so she was not in the greatest mood that day so I kept to myself. That is one of many childhood memories.
Anyway, the older I got, the worse things became. Seeing men being snuck out of the house at the crack of dawn, I would just sneak back into my room and pretend not to notice. Some nights mom wouldnt come home at all, and others she would be dropped off by her friends early hours of the morning with her best friend telling me to watch my own mother because she was drugged at the bar. I was between 6-8 years of age at the time, horrified that something might happen to her and not yet understanding why she would want to go do these things or what a bar even was. To this day I have never been a fan of going to bars because of it. Matter of fact, I have feared going to bars. All my friends go and invite me but never can understand why I always say no and come up with excuses not to go. Some nights, I would just lay in bed waiting for her return and feel this dark presents in my room just hovering over me. I still to this day could not tell you if this feeling was real or just my own conscious messing with me. Around this age is when my anxiety began.
DailyAnonymous 